Buy Man Down

Disillusioned school teacher Dan wakes to find he cannot find his trousers and his girl-friend Naomi, tired of his unrealistic attitude to life, in the process of leaving him. After his equally strange father, dressed in a bear suit, has assaulted him, Dan drives to school wearing old track suit bottoms but, when pupil Jason starts his work experience at a tailor's shop, Dan sees the chance to blag himself new trousers and accompanies the boy. However the tailor is not pleased to see that Dan is wearing his mother's panties and chases him out of the shop and down the street.
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Desperate to win Naomi back Dan seeks advice from his friends Jo and Brian, who suggest he has his car door fixed by Mad Nobby, though the car ends up worse than when it went into the yard. Back home Dan is the victim of a cruel practical joke played by his father and the neighbours, which results in Mrs Wigmore, his mother's cleaner, going to hospital and Dan being blamed. His final attempt to get back with Naomi involves cooking her a romantic meal but since this consists totally of mince, which he burns, she leaves him.
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Dan is dismayed to learn that his parents have banned him from attending his niece Lucy's ninth birthday party because he is so juvenile. After a run in with a community support officer he drowns his sorrows with Jo and falls asleep. Woken by his Dad he is annoyed to hear that Naomi is invited to the party and, in order to ingratiate himself with her, collects a huge birthday cake shaped like a horse but his car gets impounded with the cake inside it. To retrieve it he has to face the same officious community support officer but even then its chances of getting home in one piece are slim.
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Brian insists on introducing Dan to his inspirational guru Dominic but when they meet Dan is more fascinated by the fact that Dominic has a very large bottom. Dominic tells Dan that he is aware of his peculiarity but has never let it get him down and teaches him control in a one-to-one situation. Feeling much more confident Dan visits Naomi to win her back but finds she has another boyfriend.
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At a parent's evening Dan secures a date with the attractive mother of pupil Dennis though he is out of practice at dating so he asks Brian to go on a dummy run at a local restaurant to show him how to act. Unfortunately in the restaurant he sees the lady with another man - though it is quite platonic - as well as Naomi with her new boyfriend. He ends up making a scene and embarrassing himself so that next morning he is grateful to cleaner Mrs Wigmore for relieving his frustration. Jo, meanwhile, goes all out to publicize a gig by her friend Mickey Two Face.
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Dan's friend, financial advisor Brian is nominated for the West Regional Small Business Awards and Dan goes to the presentation with him - wearing an ill-fitting suit donated by his spiteful father and sporting a bad haircut, due to an incompetent barber. His 'plus one' is Jo but she has dressed as a man as Dan did not want Naomi to recognize his date. Brian does not win the award and Dan feels the need to speak up for him - which is ill-judged. It does however win the admiration of Jo though the appearance of some unfriendly faces from Dan's past leads to a custard pie fight.
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After being pushed into his mother's Christmas tree by his evil father Dan decides to impress head teacher Emma by writing the end of term play 'Scrooge 3000', a musical set in space. He enlists the help of music teacher Frank Field-Williams, a reformed alcoholic, and everything seems to be going well until , on the eve of the production, Frank falls off the wagon and drinks so much it kills him. Disaster looms but happily a replacement pianist comes forward and, amazingly, the show is a hit putting Dan well and truly into Emma's - albeit platonic - good books.
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Dan learns that his late father has left him a flat - provided the legacy is approved by Dan's direct and eccentric aunt Nesta, so Dan takes Jo and Brian to see her on her farm. Nesta sets her nephew tasks to gain her approval and he and Brian almost come to blows as a result, particularly over a runaway turkey. Having delivered a calf Dan gains Nesta's support and the flat but the turkey gets revenge on him.
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With his father dead Dan now finds his life dominated by his fearsome Aunt Nesta, who comes to stay. Feeling middle-aged and unable to woo colleague Emma he visits a gym where he meets the delightful - and much younger - Lottie, who is happy to be his date. Thanks to Nesta he has unnaturally black dyed hair and his efforts to appear to be a trendy drug dealer fall flat, due to barmaid Jo and his prostate pills. Lottie is understanding but Dan needs a lot more if he can carry on seeing her.
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Not only is handsome young teacher Alistair wowing the class with his snappy presentation for the school's Community Week he also proves to a rival for Emma's attention so Dan decides to outdo him. Claiming he regularly visits a war veteran he finds one in the person of lonely pensioner Tim, which proves rather costly with the treats Dan has to buy him to perform. Come the presentation Tim is a huge disappointment whilst at home Dan regrets hosting homeless divorcee Brian as Mum and Nesta prefer him and the meals he cooks them to Dan himself.
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After affecting a camp walk Dan is accused of homophobia by a gay pupil and sent on a diversity weekend course run by the irritatingly jolly David. Being paired with the non-English speaking Teggun is a barrier to Dan's progress and his attempts to show he is not sexist lead to a marital breakdown, an accusation of racism and his home being burgled before Teggun eventually comes to his rescue. Jo's efforts to offer celebrity make-overs at the beauty salon whilst Brian is in hospital for an operation are similarly disastrous.
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Dan is called upon to take his class to a stage performance of 'The Elephant Man' starring Geoff Doogan, who made his life a misery at school and Nesta's attempts to make him face up to Doogan are not helpful. Nor is attendance at Dom's therapy group whilst Brian's efforts to interview Doogan are a disaster - as is the play itself when Dan takes to the stage to get his revenge, though his pupils love it.
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When pupil Dennis's uncle who is his sole guardian is hospitalized Dan volunteers to look after him for a weekend to impress Emma. Dan grudgingly accepts Nesta as the second mandatory adult but takes a reluctant Dennis cycling with him rather than hunting with her and recruits Jo and Brian for an adventure game which Dennis finds extremely boring. However the lad is suitably impressed when they end up accidentally attending a criminal's lavish funeral.
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When Jo announces that she is marrying Jay C, a digger driver from the backward Heath community Brian is appalled though Dan sees the opportunity to impress Emma with a sensitive best man speech. Sadly things do not go according to plan as yokels steal the wedding car, making the bridal party late in arriving, by which time Jay C has married somebody else and Emma has disappointing news for Dan.
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Still pining for Emma, who is now in America, Dan is alarmed to discover that he is to face a disciplinary hearing for his incompetence. Anxious to discover the contents of his file he fails to bribe the scary Serbian janitor Mr Klackov and an attempt to break into the school ends with his being savaged by a fox. Though the headmaster assures him that he is not being dismissed he still figures that it may be time to move on whilst at home he is unimpressed by his mother's new boyfriend Daedalus, or Daddy for short.
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Now jobless Dan attends a funeral officiated by trendy gay American vicar Drew. Captivated by his charisma Dan joins Drew's self-confidence group where nobody knows him but everybody likes him - a first for Dan. When Jo's efforts to obtain a shop fail, due to her bizarre interview role play, she joins Dan as part of the church group but manage to accidentally disband it. However Dan does receive an encouraging message from Emma.
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Jo's shop is due to open but without a celebrity to cut the tape. Brian would very much like it to be MP Anne Finton, with whom he is smitten, but she is busy. Nesta has to retake her driving test and accidentally backs into Dan, causing his knee to swell up. Local rag editor Roger thinks this is newsworthy though Dan would prefer him - or anybody - to be interested in his planned emigration to America but finally comes up with an idea to make the front page, help Jo and bring Brian and Anne Finton together. He even gets a friendly response from his successor, teacher Miss Clarke.
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Forced to share with Nesta when Daddy moves in Dan decides to leave home, taking his sole possession, a blue chair, which causes a problem on a bus. Another problem is his need for a visa to go America since he needs an address and has made himself homeless, being foiled when he tries to sleep at the local gym. Nor does having Jo as his guarantor help when she accidentally starts a fire outside the passport office but, though his application is accepted and he returns home, the real shock comes when he sees his birth certificate.
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Dan is shocked when Mum tells him that she and his father are his natural parents but, being young and poor, they put him up for adoption, the adopters eventually giving him back. A search for their identity leads him, along with Jo and Brian and his daughters to Southend, finishing up in an Irish pub where Dan's attempts to join in a music session with a made-up song does not impress and circumstances prevent a reconciliation with the adopted parents. However Brian becomes uncharacteristically free-spirited in comforting Dan after his disappointment.
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Having resigned his teaching post Dan is having a leaving party but it gets cancelled when the venue, Jo's shop, is repossessed whilst Daddy spitefully arranges to take Mum away for the weekend so that she will miss it. Brian has his own bad news but when there is a family crisis Dan and Nesta ally to put Daddy in his place and circumstances contribute to Dan changing his mind about emigration - even in the light of news from Emma.
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Unemployed and homeless Dan is hoping to get enough money to put down a deposit on a flat for himself and pregnant girlfriend Emma and seeks help from Nesta and his mother, both now in a retirement home. However they have put his share of the sale of the house into a trust fund for the baby, which cannot be reversed. The kindly building society manager offers to help but once more fate is against Dan, who ends up in the retirement home whilst Brian regrets offering a room to Jo when she brings her weird friends with her.
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With Emma living with her parents Dan, back at work teaching, is staying in an empty room at the retirement home, where his mother discovers his teen-age diary. This includes his attachment to a teddy bear which he had forgotten but aims to claim back from the children's ward at the local hospital. Meanwhile Brian is unsuccessfully trying online dating as well as being disturbed by Jo's sudden interest in scavenging, though he does at least solve the mystery of the bear.
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Feeling under-valued as a father by family, friends and Emma and her parents Dan is persuaded by other jaded fathers to join their Dad Club. Unfortunately Emma will not let him have their one day old son so he brings along a substitute. Predictably disaster follows. Meanwhile Brian, already annoyed that his daughter has acquired a Scottish accent, sets out to locate Jo, on the run from the tax-man.
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With Emma and her parents mocking his teaching skills Dan aims to prove them wrong by taking a school party to a World War Two museum, run by the officious Ted. Needless to say the unruly class undermines Dan whilst Jo, on the run from the tax-man, has stowed away in their bus and joins in the reconstruction, giving the kids wrong information, though she does come to Dan's aid. Meanwhile museum model Brian is caught in an unfortunate position with teacher Ally.
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To relieve a stressed out Emma health visitor Patty suggests Dan takes baby Simon for a day but the child refuses to look at him and Dan's attempts to resolve the situation fail. Then he meets a blind man who offers advice but disaster strikes thanks to Jo's hippy friend Milky Sue and worse is to follow at the christening when Dan inadvertently takes Brian's 'recreational' pills.
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Dan has his own flat, without Emma, who is applying for sole custody of their baby but finds himself being abducted by the vengeful Daddy and his daughter, love-lorn care assistant Carol, who chain him up in a remote woodland caravan. Now is the time for friends and family to rescue him and get him to court to challenge Emma.
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