Buy The Green Green Grass

Peckham resident and used car dealer Boycie is horrified to learn that the dreaded Driscoll brothers, local villains against whom he gave evidence, have been acquitted and are displeased with him. In a day he sells up and flees with bewildered wife Marlene and teen-age son Tyler to rural Shropshire,where he has purchased the run-down Winterdown Farm,along with its odd farm manager Elgin Sparrowhawk.
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Whilst Tyler bemoans the fact that there is nowhere for him to ride his skateboard Elgin introduces farmhands Jed and Bryan,neither of whom are very bright, and Mrs. Cakeworthy, the cleaning lady who does no cleaning but sits around drinking tea with Marlene instead. Marlene reminds Boycie that if he is to become a gentleman farmer he needs livestock and Elgin tells him where he can get a prize bull, Rocky ,from another farmer who is strapped for cash and likes a drink. Unfortunately Boycie's efforts to get him drunk backfire and he ends up paying more than he should for Rocky, who turns out to be gay. Seems the prizes were down to artificial insemination.
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Marlene decides she wants to cook some traditional country recipes,even though she is not noted for her culinary skills. She sends Boycie to pick berries but unfortunately he runs into Llewellyn, the crazy Welsh farmer from next door who points a gun at him. Later, when Rocky strays onto Llewellyn's land Llewellyn takes him hostage and Boycie must pay to get him back.
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Despite Rocky being gay, it seems only natural that the farm should have some cows and Marlene thinks that six would be a nice number. Unfortunately, as a result of Boycie tipping Elgin the wink three hundred are delivered instead. The Boyces think Tyler should go to a local private school to get him out of the house.
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Tyler thinks he has got out of school because his exam results are so bad and has to take re-sits. He ends up at the local school where he falls in love whilst Marlene is having trouble sleeping so, when Jed is going to the city, Boycie asks him to record some urban sounds to help her get to sleep.
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Tyler has fallen for teacher Rhian and buys her make-up,causing his parents to initially query his sexuality.Boycie goes to see her to sort matters out but she explains she has no sexual interest in Tyler as she prefers older men. His hopes are raised but dashed when her father comes in -mad neighbour Llewellyn. The staff concoct a love potion to make Rocky more virile and Marlene slips some in Boycie's tea. Unfortunately it turns out to be a different potion - one to increase the cows' udder size.
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At an agricultural ball where he has gone to advance himself Boycie meets Rupert and Jonty,who own a polo club,and entice him to invest with them for the social kudos - and a possible knighthood. The plan is to spend Christmas in Switzerland with them but due to heavy snow at the airport the Boyces are forced to spend Christmas at home. On television they see a police information show revealing Jonty and Rupert to be con-men. Furthermore the Driscoll brothers,having read in a society magazine that Boycie would be in Switzerland for the holiday season, followed them out there and had a wasted journey.
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Sneaky Llewellyn rats on Boycie for using artificial fertilizer on his supposedly organically grown crops and an E.U. farming inspector calls. Boycie manages to cheat him but at a price - he has been so concerned he has lost sleep and,thanks to a home-made sleeping potion, he loses his hair as well.
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Whilst Tyler suffers on the rugby field trying to impress new girlfriend Beth, daughter of the pub landlord, his parents decide he needs extra tuition with his school work and engage Simon, a home tutor who falls for Marlene. When Boycie interrupts them kissing he mistakes it for an epileptic fit and when he tries to give Simon mouth-to-mouth resuscitation it's Boycie who now has an admirer.
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Tired of her laziness Boycie sacks Mrs. Cakeworthy despite warnings from the lads that she is a witch and will put a curse on him. Sure enough a ram's head is nailed to the door and a voodoo doll appears, causing Boycie to have a nightmare and eventually reinstate her. Little does he know that this charade was Marlene's doing as she missed having someone to talk to.
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Tyler has become a vegetarian like girlfriend Beth and they are off to protest about animal rights. Marlene agrees with their views and decides that the birds in the fields should not be shot but dealt with humanely. Thus Elgin makes a scarecrow but Beth sees it lying around and mistakes it for a corpse, calling the police. Beth is annoyed to see Tyler eat a hamburger and even more shocked to catch Boycie in the nude when Marlene,who has decided to open a beauty salon on the farm, is giving him a massage.
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Marlene and Mrs. Cakeworthy are intrigued to hear that Laurence, a French exchange student, is coming to the farm and expect it to be a handsome young boy. In fact she is a pretty girl, which is all too much for Marlene. Tyler proposes to Beth and gives her a ring but it's a tatty old thing that Marlene got in the sixties and Beth is not at all pleased.
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Whilst Boycie's farm is doing unusually well, Llewellyn is strapped for cash and challenges his neighbour to a pub quiz with a high stakes cash prize. Needless to say Marlene and the staff are a rubbish team against Llewellyn's team of teachers. But then Tyler turns up, looking for revenge after Llewellyn's little stunt teaching him to be pro-Welsh and puts his dad's side back in the running and coasting for victory.
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Boycie is less than overjoyed to learn that Marlene's sister Petunia - or Pertunia,as he pronounces it - is coming for a visit not just because they don't like each other, she feeling that Marlene married beneath herself,but because he also fears that the Driscoll brothers may have followed her from Peckham. He even insists she is blindfold coming from the station to the farm so she will not know the route. His fears are not unfounded after he finds Bryan,who has taken a fancy to her, and the other farm staff tied up in the barn. The Driscolls have arrived, but are prepared to let Boycie live in exchange for their burying 'something' on his farm.
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When Boycie's dog gets Llewellyn's bitch pregnant, Mrs. Cakeworthy misunderstands the Welshman's rantings and assumes that Tyler has got Beth pregnant. Due to a further misunderstanding Tyler assumes that Mrs. Cakeworthy is pregnant,which results in both Beth's father and Mr. Cakeworthy getting riled and Boycie getting punched. Tyler does give Beth a horse for Christmas but Boycie falls victim to a scam by his workers to scare off Old Bones, a supposed evil spirit.
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Marlene wants to celebrate her wedding anniversary with Boycie and hires a marquee and a band and caterers. As the guest list gets ever bigger Marlene has a terrible shock. She discovers from her solicitor in Peckham that she and Boycie were never legally married. Still with a marquee and a band and caterers and all those guests all you need is a vicar to rectify the situation.
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